Family adoption!

It was not better just because I was adopted by family! I was still lied too, still had my identity and truth withheld from me, still denied access to my own mother, father, and siblings. I was not told who my parents were until I was 13, how is that better!

Thank you, AAAFC, for making me feel like an outsider, even amongst my own people, a place I normally feel at home at. I just want to cry right now.

Feeling depressed as all hell.

I'm just feeling pretty down all of a sudden. I hate to admit it, but I miss Al. Even though he was a jerk, I miss him. Not to mention I'm sad because my brother seems to forget I exist.

Today in church.

My pastor was preaching a sermon, and once again, used that phrase I absolutely cannot stand. Adopted into God's family. Gee, I wonder if he would use the phrase so lightly if he had even an inkling of the issues, trauma and pain an adoptee can experience simply from being adopted? I'm guessing not.

I attempted to explain my objections to the term one time to my friend Leann, the pastor's sister. I don't have a good way of expressing myself when put on the stop, so I failed.

I don't like the term because we aren't ADOPTED into God's family. That would imply we are not one of God's children, and according to the bible, we are God's children from the get go. So in order to be adopted, that would me we at one point were not part of his family.

Even if we go with the"Well you have to be saved to be part of God's family" It still doesn't make sense. At least not to me. What did Christians call it before they used the term"Adopted into Gods family." Lets go with that shall we?

I don't know, I just hate that phrase because it's not accurate and it pisses me off.

Been a hell of a month.

So, in the course of the last month, I've lost a friend who I valued. Me and my friend Alfio's history is four years long. Closer to 5 actually now that I think of it. But I won't bore you with that. We were friends with benefits as they put it in the USA. Well, I cared more for him then he did for me, although he did lead me to believe he cared. Well, he ended up getting a girlfriend back in September. Then, in early October, he decided we couldn't be friends anymore due to some lies someone was telling about me.

I don't want drag this out so it's going to be brief because I'm still struggling with everything that happened. I had some stuff in a storage unit he had. I went to his apartment to retrieve it, or get the means to retrieve my stuff. At some point, he told his girlfriend I was there. They live together now, after 4 months of dating. So, she came down, freaked out on me, causing him to get angry and they went upstairs to his apartment. Wanting to give him my brother's number to contact about my stuff, I went up the stairs that led to the door of his apartment. She came rushing out the door, and pushed me down the stairs.

I'm ok, I had some bruises, but I'm more emotionally hurt then anything. I take things hard, and this is the only place I can really talk about it without fear of being ridiculed for feeling hurt. After the fall, I went back with my brother to his house. On the ride back, he was screaming at me about how I could have gotten him arrested and so on. It's been about three weeks since then, and I've not heard from Al. I thought he at least cared enough to see if i was ok. Guess not.

Oh MY GOD!

I got into a conversation with a friend via yahoo messenger a few days ago. During the conversation, I expressed my desire to have children. I jokingly said I better hurry the hell up or I wasn't going to be able to have my own. Due to age of course. That eventually led into talking about infertility.

I'll be honest, one of my fears is that I can't have children. I have no real reason for this, as my cycle's regular and all that. The only reason I've not had children is because I was with a man who didn't want any kids, and so I stayed on my birth control. Well, that relationship came to an end(badly, but that's another post entirely. So naturally, I mentioned getting off my birth control and letting my body go back to normal.

Ok, sorry back to the point. Adoption came up. She said "well you could always adopt an infant." Doing my best not to be abrasive, I messaged back" I want to breast feed". She then informed me" Adoptive mothers can breast feed, they just have to stimulate and there ya go."

UGH!! NO WAY would I ever put someone else's kid on my boob. I see no point in breast feeding if the milk was not produced naturally during pregnancy. It's just...not an idea I am comfortable with at all. I didn't even know people saw this as a viable option until recently, and the thought makes me go "Oh hell no."

Eventually, I was able to express my thoughts on the subject. I don't like the idea of it. If I don't have children naturally, I'll get a dog. If, in some alternative universe where I've lost my mind and adopted, I'd foster adopt. Hopefully the government gets it's act together and makes adoption obsolete by then, and has alternatives in place.

Good grief.

Just not had a whole lot to really talk about until today. A friend of mine on facebook is attempting to raise money for a surrogate to carry a baby for her. She has three frozen in a lab somewhere. She's currently in the stage IV of breast cancer, so carrying a baby herself is not possible at the momemt.

I feel for her, I really do. She's a good person and I feel for her. But I don't think she should be thinking of bringing a child into her family right now. She's battling cancer. The added stress could hurt her recovery to my thoughts.

Plus, the whole idea of trying to raise money to pay someone else to be an incubator is distasteful to me. I'm conflicted to be honest. I hope she gets better and is able to carry her own embryos.

Feeling better

After yesterday's rather ranty, feeling sorry for myself post. I still kind of feel that way, but it'll pass.

Just had too much going on

I've been feeling depressed and confused. Been trying to hide it, think it's working.

A part of it is the familiar feeling that I'm not worthy to have a life of my own. I've spent most of my 29 years taking care of others, and I am getting tired of it. I met a very nice guy a couple months ago, and we seemed to hit it off. I got pretty positive vibes, but once again, my fear of rejection is rearing it's head. Plus, I'm starting to doubt that I read the vibes right, that maybe he's not interested at all and was just nice to me because I was there.

I hate that I feel like this. I ended it with the FWB so that I would feel free to pursue something. Well, that and because I finally realized I deserve better. But what if I can't do better? What if I'm doomed to be alone? Also, I'm always attracted to men who are, for lack of a better term, out of my league. Benny is very much out of my league. Good looking, smart, a great, and sarcastic, sense of humor. He got his own place recently and is working two jobs to support himself.

I'm just feeling really down and convinced that nothing will come of this, because I am so afraid of being rejected and losing any confidence I have.

A lesson in judging people.

Now, I admit, I have been guilty of judging people in the past. I admit that, and I hate that I've done it. Well, last night I learned just how wrong it is to judge someone, especially someone you don't know. All this was thanks to the "best friend" I mentioned in my previous post.

Her friend Ed called her to tell her that his 2 year old niece had died. It's always sad when a child dies, it breaks my heart honestly. Well, during the course of the conversation, my friend mentioned that the mother may have accidentally given her daughter recalled Tylenol. Seems the little one wasn't feeling well and her mother(or the grandmother) gave her some to help. The next morning, the little one was gone.

Well, Jamie informed me that the family is criticizing the mother because the night after her daughter died, she went out and got drunk. Who wouldn't want to drink themselves numb after their child has just died? Then she started in about how the mother never wanted the baby and all this nonsense. I was pissed and finally, when I got in a word, I said" This woman has just lost her child. If what you say is true and she's out drinking, then that's her way of grieving. yea, maybe YOU wouldn't go get smashed, but you never know. We don't know this woman, and all you have is second hand stories about how this woman acts, and that doesn't count for much."

It just made me see that I've done this too. Judged people without getting the whole story. What really bothered me is they were beating up on the woman, and she was already beating herself up.

I really need new friends.

Friends, what are they good for.

I mean, really. My best friend Jamie and I used to be close. We stayed close even after she moved and married and had kids. But lately, I've realized that the friendship is getting pretty uneven.

She called me a few days ago, wanting to tell me about how her ex, who she still kept in touch with, was about to get a surprise. Turns out she had been using her daughters cellphone to pose as this guy's ex Alicia, and as Alicia, was wanting to meet him for sex. She'd been doing this for about a week when she called me to tell me she was going to tell him off.

For what? Wanting to meet up with an ex and get laid? Who gives a damn? She acted like this was some big deal and that she had a right to know what he was doing with his personal life. See, she had apparently asked him if he was texting anyone and interested in having sex with anyone and he said no. Like he would tell her. Then, when I pointed out that she was married and he was single and could do what the fuck he liked, she's like "Well he told me he loved me and I'm leaving heath and need him!"

I hate that nonsense. If you want to leave your husband, do it! Don't wait to move in with that guy.

Then, when I try to talk about the stuff going on in my life, she suddenly has to go do something, or go to sleep. Yea ok. Have fun.

I just wish I had someone to talk to.

Very annoyed.

So, I was looking at post on a livejournal community yesterday about what would you do if you discovered that your 4 month old baby was switched at birth and the child you were raising was not your child, but another family's child. Needless to say(but I'll say it anyway) I said I would want the child I gave birth to back. Now, this question was very similiar to a question asked in the same community months ago, and I was called cold for wanting to switch the back.

Not this time though. Strangely enough, I was in the majority. Most of the posters said they would want their babies back. And yet, at the same time, I remembered the last time being one of the few who would switch back. And being called cold and how I value biology over the bonding I had done with the other baby. What about the bonding I experienced with the child I carried inside me? Which they totally discounted as either meaningless or one sided.

That's what annoyed me, that they seemed to place no value(or very little) on the bonding a mother and child have from the womb.

Wow really? Nice!

So, I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but I attend church on Sundays. As a Christian, it's always been really important to me to be around others. Well, that and it helps me from being a complete shut in.

I was talking with my Sunday school teacher before the service started, and was telling her about the couple who were trying to pray for the mother to give up their twin girls. When I told her I had been taught that praying like that was a misuse of prayer, she defended it! I was taken aback to be honest. She said that the bible says we can pray for the desire of our hearts. I couldn't believe it.

Also, she informed me that I come across as very anti adoption on my facebook. I was like "Really, and here I thought I was being nice!" I explained that I am against pre birth matching and that's just the tip of the ice berg. We didn't have time to really talk about it. She is starting to get where I am coming from. She's one of those ones who say "But we are adopted into God's family." Yea, no that's not how that works.

When you are adopted into God's family, your whole history isn't taken away from you. Your birth certificate isn't altered and the original sealed away. It just bugs me when she uses that phrase to justify the lies. Because adoptees are lied to.

Sometimes, I jiust don't have the energy for life

I have just been feeling really sad here the last couple days. Going through status shuffles on facebook, I saw some that really struck a nerve with me, and by the time I closed the tab I was crying.

Ever since I got back from seeing Adad in Ohio I have just had the feeling that his time is running out. It makes me glad that at least I went to see him and made peace with myself about how I feel towards him.

He'll always be the man who raised me, and while at times he drives me up a wall, I have to admit that I love him. I just don't like some of the things he's done.

Also, I've been considering linking my blog on my facebook. But I have quite a few family members on there and I really want at least some part of my life private. Is there a way to link it there but still keep some entries either private or friends only?

Back from seeing my dad, feeling relieved.

He's holding his own. Despite everything, I am glad I went to see him. I would have never forgiven myself to be honest.

The trip was long, and on the way back there was some issues involving some credit cards that went missing. Fortunately they were found, but not before feelings were hurt.

All and all, an interesting trip. Now let us never speak of it again.

Heading out to Ohio to see Adad

He's still not awake, but me, the twin brother, and a couple others are all headed up to see him in the hospital.

I'll be honest, I hate hospitals. I've never been comfortable in them, and always want to run. The only time I went to a hospital willingly was when Amom was sick(when she ended up dying).

I do want to see him, mainly because all this doesn't feel real. On the other hand, I really don't. He was emotionally abusive and physically as well, until we got old enough to start telling people. But there were good times, and it's hard to forget them.

I go in honor of the times he was a good dad and actually did things a dad is supposed to do. I go for the man he was under the anger and abuse.

Here' s hoping I don't jump out of the car on the way there.

It's been a weird 10 days.

Things were good. I went to Florida to see my friend April and her husband. They live in Riverview and it was a very nice time. Humid as hell, but other then that, a nice time!

Went to a family reunion(not mine) and hung out with a guy named Benny, who is one of the nicest guys I have ever met. Hope something comes of it.

Adad is in the hospital, on life support. Been trying not to think about it, but it won't go away.

Spent a wonderful week at my friend's place in Florida.

We didn't really do a whole lot while I was there. But what we did do we had fun. She took me to the aquarium and me and her husband got into a few talks, which was very enlightening. He's an atheist, and I will admit, at first I was a little hesitant to go there. But then I told myself to stop being an idiot and go enjoy myself. Which I did. Her husband's a really smart guy, and they love each other. It was great to see.

While there, she recommended a few books to me, and let me borrow them.

"I never called it Rape"
The Vagina Monolouges
Yes Means Yes Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape

Looks like I'll be busy for a while. She also had the Purity Myth, but a friend of herbhusband's came over, asked to borrow and she said"I've been trying to get him to read something like that for awhile now." So, I was cool with it.

I took a bunch of pictures at the aquarium when we went there, I put them on my facebook if anyone's interested.

Just a quick post to say goodbye before I head to Florida

I'm heading out tomorrow to Florida to see my friend April. Later gators!

Bee fighting a nasty cold, as well as a battle for a friend

So, on top of a pretty disastrous trip to see my family, I ended up with a bad summer cold. My throat felt like it had been scraped raw and it hurt to swallow. That finally went away, but was replaced by a stuffy nose and a cough.

Then, a friend I've been talking with informed me that her mother is pushing her to sign adoption papers for her son. My friend, we'll call her Britney, has had a rough year. She got out of an abusive relationship, and it's been one bad thing after another for her. See, she gave her mother temporary guardianship a while back, but that was because she was not stable and with the abusive guy in Texas. After she left him, she stayed with various people, who kicked her out after a short time and she eventually ended up in another state with a friend. That friend helped her get a job, but then promptly informed Britney that she was not going to be helping her get to work. She lost the job.

At this point, this ended up without a place to live and went to a shelter. Eventually she swallowed her pride(but not before bad stuff happening, can't tell there's a pending court case) and it got even worse.

Her mother refused to let Britney move back in with her and Britney's son. Instead, found her a shelter. Then, she started pushing the adoption thing. I had told Britney repeatedly" sign nothing! if she tries to make you sign anything, leave! run!"

Apparently, her mom picked her up today and it was apparently to sign some papers. Britney doesn't know what they are. All she knows is her mom is trying to convince Britney that Brits mom has to adopt the boy so she can claim him as a dependent(such BS) and so she can leave him her money. Again, BS.

I had a fit. I told her to refuse to sign anything else! Some friends on a message board gave me some links to send her. I hope she looks at them and calls the numbers. She has no legal representation and she's being railroaded at a bad point in her life. I'm trying to help her but I don't know if it'll be enough.

Britney's had a rough time of it, and her mom is using that to get at her and get her son. They don't have an easy relationship.

What pisses e off, is I was telling my aunt about this and she was saying"There has to be more to this she's not telling you. Her mom wouldn't do this without a reason."

Really? My aunt's either extremely naive or something.

Sorry, I was away!

I went to visit family in Pennsylvania for the weekend. Right now, I am way too exhausted mentally and physically to blog about it. I will do so tomorrow!

So far, so not good.

I've been going through a few things mentally. For the first time, I spoke to someone about being raped. It was so odd. It was online so I couldn't really get a handle on how the person on the other side felt about what I was telling them.

It was nice finally have someone tell me it wasn't my fault.

Been having issues with my internet connection.

Sorry I haven't been updating a lot. My internet connection have gone crazy. I think it has to do with my aunt's computer, she's clicked on a few files and they are say file corrupted. She has no connection, and mine is spotty. Websites take forever to load, or the connection times out. I have no idea what to do. I've told her that maybe she should unhook the modem that gives us internet and hook it to mine, but I don't know. She can't even play games that you don' need internet for.

Oh well, we'll figure it out.

Yahoo answers.

What a place. I still remember stumbling across it one night, bored and just looking around. I remember going onto the Adoption section, and being all happy adoptee and actually encouraging some people to give up their kids, or telling others to adoption. Looking back, I'm horrified at myself. I am so glad people took the time and educated me.

Scary to think about when you get right down to it.

Really annoyed

I really hate that when I feel passionate about something, my aunt tries to derail me by saying"But is there anything you can do about it?" In some cases no, but I'll be damned if I'm going to shut up. Which is what she's trying to get me to do.

I was talking about the woman who won one of the Blog Of Shame awards. You guys know, the one keeping the expectant mother on drugs so she and her partner can get the baby? The one who admitted flat out that the mother even said if she was off drugs and stable she'd keep her baby.

While talking to my aunt, it was very frustrating that she didn't show any empathy. Instead, she was concerned that I was riled up over drama.

DRAMA!! This isn't drama, this is a family's life about to be torn apart! Jesus tap dancing Christ I can't even tell you how angry I am right now typing this.

I refuse to stop talking about these issues just because nothing can be done. The point is to get the word out, to make people aware of what the hell's going on! Why doesn't she get that!!

This on top of the two day long livejournal argument I got into with some douche bag who declared he'd force his teenage daughter onto birth control if she decided she wanted to get pregnant. Hey fucktard, you can't do that. It's called doctors with ethics, learn about it. Then, when I thought it was over, the post I was in got posted to a drama community and it just went downhill. Nothing I said was linked and I wasn't involved too much, but it was nerve wracking and distressing to see it.

I am a terrible blogger!

This week has been very emotionally draining. I've had some things come to light about a friend of mine that has caused me to re evaluate our friendship. There are some things I may have been lied to about, and that pisses me off.

Father's Day was ok. my Adad came into town. He is really aging badly. his health has gone downhill in the last couple years. He recently fell and hit his head and spent some time in a nursing home. He has no balance anymore and falls over easily. I saw it for myself a few times.It's really sad to see. Even though dad wasn't the best father in the world, he's still the only one I ever called dad. Watching him Sunday and seeing how bad he has deteriorated makes me want to cry.

Also, they arranged for my younger nephew to live with my other nephew Jake(who's 23). Dad can't take care of Brandon anymore. So they had to do what they had to do. I hope having the assurance that Brandon is safe will help my dad. Maybe he'll even get some of his health back. I really hope so.

Had weird dreams lately.

2 in a row to be exact! One had Russell Crowe, the other had that guy Mike from Jersey Shore. Very strange! I woke up laughing at the Mike one. So ludicrous really.

Nothing muc going on really. A friend of mine sent me a text wanting to hang out. I said ok, but have yet to hear back from her whatsoever.I'm starting to think maybe she sent me the text by accident. Kind of sucks to feel like noone wants anything to do with you. She's pretty much my only friend here in the area, and at first, I thought we'd hang out a lot more then we do.

I wish she would at least let me know what the hell's going on.

So tired

I just had to get this out really quick before I went to bed. I am so TIRED of people telling me how I should feel about my adoption. Yes, I got to stay with family, and maybe that helped a good bit towards me being what others call "well adjusted". But damnit, I can still be mad! I can still be sad that my mother didn't keep me. I can still want to throw things when I have others telling me "Well you should be happy, you had a good life."

Oh yes, I had a great life. Other then living in fear of my adoptive father coming home. ADad had issues, and one of them was anger. Due to a head injury, he couldn't control his anger as well as he used to. As a result, he took it out on his kids. he beat my brother so bad with a belt once he couldn't seat for hours. I've had people tell me "That's not abuse that's discipline." Not when the child in question is 4 years old! And the age doesn't even matter. You never strike a child in anger.

If one more person tells me I could have been aborted, I'll kick something. If I was aborted, then I wouldn't be hear jackass.

I just hate that everyone assumes that I don't have the same feelings towards adoption as other adoptees, just because I had it ok. Because I am happy, to an extent. Because yes, I loved my Amom, and we were close.

I'll never know what being a big sister feels like because of adoption. I lost that. I have nieces and nephews I'll never know, because my sister is too scared to want a relationship, and doesn't want to hurt bio mom. Any hope of a real relationship with my siblings, gone because they don't want to know me. Uncles, aunts, cousins, all of whom I'll never know.

Yes, I have a right to be sad when I think of what could have been, and what was almost mine.

Now I'm sad.

I hate bad weather.

IT always knocks out my internet connection. Today hasn't been too busy. My aunt Jane had to go to Walmart earlier this morning, so I took care of my aunt while she was gone. Now I am patiently waiting for my spaghetti to get done.

There's a marathon on of Animal Cop:Miami on Animal Planet. That show makes me so sad. The way some people treat their animals makes me sick. I wish I could throw things through the tv and hit the offenders with it.

Going to look for a job this week.

Due to me no longer needing to take care of my aunt, I'm going to have to start looking for a job. Don't have a lot of options though, due to no transportation other then the bus and that can be unreliable. But, I'll give it a shot and hope for the best. I really only need part time, so that'll leave me available for Jane if she needs me.

Also, the woman in the post before this apologized to me via facebook. I was hapy to accept. I just hope we can move on from this. I hate when people are angry at me, or something I said.

Saw something very triggering today at a birthday party.

I had a birthday party to go to today. My cousin TJs little girl is turning nine, and they had a party at their house. While there, a little girl tripped and fell onto one of those Styrofoam coolers and broke it. She got upset when she saw what had happened and started to cry, despite others assurances that it was no harm done. Finally, her father annouced he'd give her something to cry about, and spanked her in front of everyone at the part. When she kept crying, he carried her out of the yard and to the car and spanked her again. Then they drove off. I had no idea who the couple were. While talking to one of the guests, I commented that I felt bad for the little girl and that the poor kid might need therapy. Well, turns out the man who hit his daughter was TJs girlfriends brother. I felt awful, and she confronted me in front of all the guests. Even those who agreed that if he's going to physically displine his kid, it should be done at home.

I was mortified, mainly because in her shoes, I would have done the same, defended my brother. Noone speaks badly about my family, no matter if they are right or wrong

Quite frankly, the fathers actions scared the hell out of me. It sent me back to when I was a kid and my father would hit me out of anger. Never on the face, always on the butt, but it still put a fear of my dad in me. A few times it was in public, and I still remember how embarrassed and hurt I was that my dad would do that in front of people. Then when he would use the belt at home, it would hurt worse. It was just so awful to see. After the confrontation, I went to the bathroom and stayed there until it was time to leave. I was embarrassed and disgusted at myself for not keeping my mouth shut, and I was also upset at the words the woman had said to me. How I need to think about the dumb things I say and stuff like that.

Never felt so stupid and low in my life.

Something I've been wanting to blog about for awhile. Triggering

Ok, now, I normally don't talk about this. It's too painful. I just felt I needed to, and I hope I don't hurt anyone.

I am a rape survivor. I am also a rape survivor who was never believed. In 2006, while celebrating moving into my grandpa's house(and away from my abusive adoptive father) I was raped by a friend of my brother's. We'll call him B. During the course of the evening, I was introduced to B and his girlfriend, who was a co worker of mine. I had maybe 3 beers and was feeling pretty sleepy and stumbled to my room. I woke up hours later to B on top of me and was too shocked and weak to get him off. Afterwards, he said "Maybe we should do this every Friday." Needless to say, I started locking my bedroom door. Turns out my grandpa kept the backdoor unlocked because B and K(the girlfriend)were frequent visitors. I was not aware of this. I started never being home on Fridays, and doing what I could to stay out. I finally broke down and told my brothers girlfriend. She believed me, but I made her promise she wouldn't say anything to my brother.

She did anyway. He was pretty angry. I had to talk him out of going to beat the crap out of B. Why? My own fear and shame. I had waited 2 weeks to say anything, and I knew how those things worked. I knew I wouldn't be believed, and I just wanted it all to go away and pretend it never happened! I knew that because I had been drinking, even in my own home, I would be viewed as someone who was just trying to cover up the fact she had sex with her friend's boyfriend.

A few weeks went by, and things went as they usually do. My brother was driving me to work and somehow, the topic came up. He said "Well the sex must not have been that bad if you don't want to report it." No brother, it's attitudes like yours that make me want to not report it. IT's fear, hurt, trauma, shame and the underlying feelng that maybe I brought it on myself by drinking. I even tried to mention it to my SO, and he thought I was referring to something else. Woldn't let me finish speaking.

Since that day, I have never spoken about it. Never been to a counselor, never done anything. I coped with it as best I could. I pretended it never happened. I even have a pretty good sex life.

What's my point with this? To let people KNOW! I've been silent for so long, pushed it so far down that it only surfaced every so often. If at all But no MORE! It happened to me, and I can't pretend any longer that it didn't.

Been a rough week.

I've just been doing some thinking about my personal life. Me and Al are still FWB, even though we haven't seen each other since May. I'm just doing some thinking and trying to decide what to do. I love him, but honestly, at this point, I know things aren't going to go further then that.

Makes me sad.

Working on my layout.

I have become somewhat of a layout nerd. But blogger is completely new territory. I'l figure it out eventually but for now, I'll be changing it every few days.

Seems a certain blogger(those I will not name) have decided to no longer blog. What a shame. I had been watching the blog for awhile now, and was curious to see what would happen at the end of the summer. And yes, I'm being vague for a reason.

Watching South Park at the moment. It's being used more as background noise. I really shouldn't be up still.

Still getting the hang of this thing.

I am trying so hard to figure this place out. I'm sure I will eventually. It's confusing at times to start a new blog somewhere, and I don't always have the patience to learn things.

I'll do a real life update at some point, been having issues with Amazon, which thankfully got sorted out. Would have been a 27 dollar screw up otherwise!

Sitting here, watching the Simpsons, made me think.

It's the episode about Homer meeting the gay man and freaking out. As a kid, I found Homer's reaction hilarious. I mean seriously, so what, the guy was gay? What was the big deal. As I grew up, I realized that Homer's original attitude was pretty common. Although he eventually learned some tolerance, it is still sad to watch it, knowing people everywhere still think like that. That their kids will be turned gay simply by being around gay people. It's mind boggling to say the least.

It made me think about my own experiences in that area. I am not gay, so what I say is second hand. My aunt and Grandfather are both gay and they had a terrible time. My aunt was robbed several times coming home from work. My grandpa(actually a family friend but I called him grandpa) had to hide what he was at times in order to survive. Although in some areas he could be open about his sexuality, there were places he could not. And there are still places where mentioning you are gay will get the crap beat out of you.

Well, that's it for now.

Online drama

A friend of mine on LJ seems to be a well known "drama llama". She has a ED page and everything. I read it, was amused, did some head shaking and went on with my day. It was pretty obvious to me when I first read it that many of the incidents were exaggerated, or just plain made up. What really burned me was the stuff about her kids in real life. Seriously, that's not cool at all. Dragging her kids into fights.

What really gets me is there's a LJ poster her believes that my friend does not have custody of her children. Well, contrary to that, I know my friend has her children, I saw pictures of a recent birthday party. When I mentioned it, I was told "thanks for the input" but that basically, I was not believed. What do they want, a picture of the kids with todays date? Yes, as a matter of fact, they do.

Ridiculous.

Weekend of nothing

Sadly, I didn't get to go anywhere this weekend. None of my books are due at the library, and I really only need body wash. I've been trying to wait to go anywhere until everything lines up. So I just have to make one trip, rather then a bunch of them.

Planning on hanging out with my friend April in a couple weeks. I can't wait. We went to high school together and haven't seen each other in years! Should be a fun time!

Having a tough week.

Well this week went ok, I suppose. My aunt is still trying to fight for her workman's compensation. Her job is trying to deny it. When it's obvious her injury was caused on the job! It's really infuriating to have them do this. On the bright side, she was able to get a disability bus pass. Se can't afford the monthly rate anymore, and so her lawyer helped her with all that. The only thing is, she can't let me use it, as they ask for ID when you do have one. Oh well, that just means less traveling around for me.

My friend Jamie is starting to get on my nerves. She constantly calls me. Every morning without fail, she'll call and have nothing to say. I have gotten to the point where I just want to ignore her calls, or even block her. The only reason I haven't yet is because of the stuff she's holding for me.

Other then that, not too much happening!

Hello! Been very busy!!S

So, this week has been pretty crazy. I had to resign myself to the fact that my aunt wont be getting a monthly bus pass anymore, so what that means is I have to ride the bus now! and pay for it. It wouldn't really be a problem, but the fare is already pretty pricey, even for a day pass. Oh well, I'll get used to it.

I had to run to the library earlier and drop off some books. I had renewed them but finished them up and just wanted to get them back. I'm on a Mary Higgins Clark kick at the moment and it's so much fun to re visit her books.

It's been way too hot here this week. I'm reluctant to turn on my AC simply because I don't want to run the risk of popping a fuse. I've popped one drying my hair, all because my aunt turned on the microwave. It's pretty funny at times.

Gotta run out again tomorrow to return two disney flicks I rented. The Little Mermaid and The Aristocats. Haven't seen the second one, I'm going to try and get through it tonight. Should be interesting!

I have got to remember I have this thing!

Sitting here, trying to stay cool

I've just been thinking over some things about myself. My entire life I've spent looking after someone. First it was my mother, who was blind. Then my nephew came along and I had to watch him while my friends went out and enjoyed their teen years. Now it's my aunt. Granted, i managed to fit in some good times. I had some friends who were close but it was still not fun sometimes.

I feel selfish for wanting more then being someone's caretaker. I hate that I want to go and get a job so I can make my own way in the world. But it's normal, right?

Cousin Melody's birthday

Went to my little cousin Melody's birthday party today. Everything went pretty well. The food was good. They had these wraps that were amazing, to me anyway. I'm easily pleased though. I think some were roast beef and the others were chicken salad. plus there were finger foods like baby carrots, cherry tomatoes and the like.

There was quite alot of kids there, mainly teenage ones, like Melody, who is turning 14 tomorrow. Most of them went home after awhile though. The presents were unwrapped and cake was eaten. I talked with this one guy named Benny who I met at another party for my aunt Jane's mom.

I was just looking around at the party and feeling like, for the first time in awhile, like I was wanted there. It was a feeling I hadn't had in a long time. It was quite nice!

So a relative of mine recently joined a group on facebook called "Make Drug Testing Mandatory For Welfare." Literally made me cringe. I can't believe people still buy into the stereotype that everyone on welfare are just a bunch of drug addicts who don't want to get jobs. It still pisses me off to think of how tough some people had getting on welfare.

Running around and thinking

So today I had quite a bit of running around to do. I had to return some books to the library and pick up some cds I requested at the other library. The buses were running terribly and on top of that it was raining. It did stop after awhile and I managed to stay dry. The one bus I got on was so crowded I couldn't deal with it. I ended up getting off the bus because I couldn't stand it. Luckily there was another one coming so I wasn't waiting too long.

After all that, I got to the library and go my cds. One was Lady Gaga's Fame Monster and the other was Ke$ha. her stuff is pretty catchy, but nothing impressive. I'll have to check out Lady Gaga later. Got the Beauty and The Beast soundtrack and Evanescence's Open Door. I just realized that they rent out cds for the same amount of time as books.

I was just thinking, why are people so threatened by differing opinions or things that are different? Any idea about this? Human nature maybe, or fear of the unknown?

My very first blog post here!

Just testing things out here. I need a place to talk about things that others wont agree with. I'll go more in depth later.

Renee