So tired

I just had to get this out really quick before I went to bed. I am so TIRED of people telling me how I should feel about my adoption. Yes, I got to stay with family, and maybe that helped a good bit towards me being what others call "well adjusted". But damnit, I can still be mad! I can still be sad that my mother didn't keep me. I can still want to throw things when I have others telling me "Well you should be happy, you had a good life."

Oh yes, I had a great life. Other then living in fear of my adoptive father coming home. ADad had issues, and one of them was anger. Due to a head injury, he couldn't control his anger as well as he used to. As a result, he took it out on his kids. he beat my brother so bad with a belt once he couldn't seat for hours. I've had people tell me "That's not abuse that's discipline." Not when the child in question is 4 years old! And the age doesn't even matter. You never strike a child in anger.

If one more person tells me I could have been aborted, I'll kick something. If I was aborted, then I wouldn't be hear jackass.

I just hate that everyone assumes that I don't have the same feelings towards adoption as other adoptees, just because I had it ok. Because I am happy, to an extent. Because yes, I loved my Amom, and we were close.

I'll never know what being a big sister feels like because of adoption. I lost that. I have nieces and nephews I'll never know, because my sister is too scared to want a relationship, and doesn't want to hurt bio mom. Any hope of a real relationship with my siblings, gone because they don't want to know me. Uncles, aunts, cousins, all of whom I'll never know.

Yes, I have a right to be sad when I think of what could have been, and what was almost mine.

Now I'm sad.