Maybe I'm just no good at things.

So I'm pretty sure Noone reads this so I'm just going to write this for myself. I'm tired. I really am. I'm 35 years old and I have nothing. I really thought I'd be so much further in life. Sadly that's not the case. It isn't for lack of trying. Something else that depresses me is this,whole election. Wtf. Seriously. I'm enraged that my country elected Trump. Of all people. I can't even begin to describe how much I'm dreading the inauguration. I really have no coherent plan for this entry. I remember sometimes that I have this blog. I post here when I need to get stuff out but I don't want to disturb anyone. God bless the Internet. Who seem to have forgotten that blogger exists.

Really annoyed

I really hate that when I feel passionate about something, my aunt tries to derail me by saying"But is there anything you can do about it?" In some cases no, but I'll be damned if I'm going to shut up. Which is what she's trying to get me to do.

I was talking about the woman who won one of the Blog Of Shame awards. You guys know, the one keeping the expectant mother on drugs so she and her partner can get the baby? The one who admitted flat out that the mother even said if she was off drugs and stable she'd keep her baby.

While talking to my aunt, it was very frustrating that she didn't show any empathy. Instead, she was concerned that I was riled up over drama.

DRAMA!! This isn't drama, this is a family's life about to be torn apart! Jesus tap dancing Christ I can't even tell you how angry I am right now typing this.

I refuse to stop talking about these issues just because nothing can be done. The point is to get the word out, to make people aware of what the hell's going on! Why doesn't she get that!!

This on top of the two day long livejournal argument I got into with some douche bag who declared he'd force his teenage daughter onto birth control if she decided she wanted to get pregnant. Hey fucktard, you can't do that. It's called doctors with ethics, learn about it. Then, when I thought it was over, the post I was in got posted to a drama community and it just went downhill. Nothing I said was linked and I wasn't involved too much, but it was nerve wracking and distressing to see it.

So tired

I just had to get this out really quick before I went to bed. I am so TIRED of people telling me how I should feel about my adoption. Yes, I got to stay with family, and maybe that helped a good bit towards me being what others call "well adjusted". But damnit, I can still be mad! I can still be sad that my mother didn't keep me. I can still want to throw things when I have others telling me "Well you should be happy, you had a good life."

Oh yes, I had a great life. Other then living in fear of my adoptive father coming home. ADad had issues, and one of them was anger. Due to a head injury, he couldn't control his anger as well as he used to. As a result, he took it out on his kids. he beat my brother so bad with a belt once he couldn't seat for hours. I've had people tell me "That's not abuse that's discipline." Not when the child in question is 4 years old! And the age doesn't even matter. You never strike a child in anger.

If one more person tells me I could have been aborted, I'll kick something. If I was aborted, then I wouldn't be hear jackass.

I just hate that everyone assumes that I don't have the same feelings towards adoption as other adoptees, just because I had it ok. Because I am happy, to an extent. Because yes, I loved my Amom, and we were close.

I'll never know what being a big sister feels like because of adoption. I lost that. I have nieces and nephews I'll never know, because my sister is too scared to want a relationship, and doesn't want to hurt bio mom. Any hope of a real relationship with my siblings, gone because they don't want to know me. Uncles, aunts, cousins, all of whom I'll never know.

Yes, I have a right to be sad when I think of what could have been, and what was almost mine.

Now I'm sad.