Something I've been wanting to blog about for awhile. Triggering

Ok, now, I normally don't talk about this. It's too painful. I just felt I needed to, and I hope I don't hurt anyone.

I am a rape survivor. I am also a rape survivor who was never believed. In 2006, while celebrating moving into my grandpa's house(and away from my abusive adoptive father) I was raped by a friend of my brother's. We'll call him B. During the course of the evening, I was introduced to B and his girlfriend, who was a co worker of mine. I had maybe 3 beers and was feeling pretty sleepy and stumbled to my room. I woke up hours later to B on top of me and was too shocked and weak to get him off. Afterwards, he said "Maybe we should do this every Friday." Needless to say, I started locking my bedroom door. Turns out my grandpa kept the backdoor unlocked because B and K(the girlfriend)were frequent visitors. I was not aware of this. I started never being home on Fridays, and doing what I could to stay out. I finally broke down and told my brothers girlfriend. She believed me, but I made her promise she wouldn't say anything to my brother.

She did anyway. He was pretty angry. I had to talk him out of going to beat the crap out of B. Why? My own fear and shame. I had waited 2 weeks to say anything, and I knew how those things worked. I knew I wouldn't be believed, and I just wanted it all to go away and pretend it never happened! I knew that because I had been drinking, even in my own home, I would be viewed as someone who was just trying to cover up the fact she had sex with her friend's boyfriend.

A few weeks went by, and things went as they usually do. My brother was driving me to work and somehow, the topic came up. He said "Well the sex must not have been that bad if you don't want to report it." No brother, it's attitudes like yours that make me want to not report it. IT's fear, hurt, trauma, shame and the underlying feelng that maybe I brought it on myself by drinking. I even tried to mention it to my SO, and he thought I was referring to something else. Woldn't let me finish speaking.

Since that day, I have never spoken about it. Never been to a counselor, never done anything. I coped with it as best I could. I pretended it never happened. I even have a pretty good sex life.

What's my point with this? To let people KNOW! I've been silent for so long, pushed it so far down that it only surfaced every so often. If at all But no MORE! It happened to me, and I can't pretend any longer that it didn't.