Good grief.

Just not had a whole lot to really talk about until today. A friend of mine on facebook is attempting to raise money for a surrogate to carry a baby for her. She has three frozen in a lab somewhere. She's currently in the stage IV of breast cancer, so carrying a baby herself is not possible at the momemt.

I feel for her, I really do. She's a good person and I feel for her. But I don't think she should be thinking of bringing a child into her family right now. She's battling cancer. The added stress could hurt her recovery to my thoughts.

Plus, the whole idea of trying to raise money to pay someone else to be an incubator is distasteful to me. I'm conflicted to be honest. I hope she gets better and is able to carry her own embryos.

Feeling better

After yesterday's rather ranty, feeling sorry for myself post. I still kind of feel that way, but it'll pass.

Just had too much going on

I've been feeling depressed and confused. Been trying to hide it, think it's working.

A part of it is the familiar feeling that I'm not worthy to have a life of my own. I've spent most of my 29 years taking care of others, and I am getting tired of it. I met a very nice guy a couple months ago, and we seemed to hit it off. I got pretty positive vibes, but once again, my fear of rejection is rearing it's head. Plus, I'm starting to doubt that I read the vibes right, that maybe he's not interested at all and was just nice to me because I was there.

I hate that I feel like this. I ended it with the FWB so that I would feel free to pursue something. Well, that and because I finally realized I deserve better. But what if I can't do better? What if I'm doomed to be alone? Also, I'm always attracted to men who are, for lack of a better term, out of my league. Benny is very much out of my league. Good looking, smart, a great, and sarcastic, sense of humor. He got his own place recently and is working two jobs to support himself.

I'm just feeling really down and convinced that nothing will come of this, because I am so afraid of being rejected and losing any confidence I have.

A lesson in judging people.

Now, I admit, I have been guilty of judging people in the past. I admit that, and I hate that I've done it. Well, last night I learned just how wrong it is to judge someone, especially someone you don't know. All this was thanks to the "best friend" I mentioned in my previous post.

Her friend Ed called her to tell her that his 2 year old niece had died. It's always sad when a child dies, it breaks my heart honestly. Well, during the course of the conversation, my friend mentioned that the mother may have accidentally given her daughter recalled Tylenol. Seems the little one wasn't feeling well and her mother(or the grandmother) gave her some to help. The next morning, the little one was gone.

Well, Jamie informed me that the family is criticizing the mother because the night after her daughter died, she went out and got drunk. Who wouldn't want to drink themselves numb after their child has just died? Then she started in about how the mother never wanted the baby and all this nonsense. I was pissed and finally, when I got in a word, I said" This woman has just lost her child. If what you say is true and she's out drinking, then that's her way of grieving. yea, maybe YOU wouldn't go get smashed, but you never know. We don't know this woman, and all you have is second hand stories about how this woman acts, and that doesn't count for much."

It just made me see that I've done this too. Judged people without getting the whole story. What really bothered me is they were beating up on the woman, and she was already beating herself up.

I really need new friends.

Friends, what are they good for.

I mean, really. My best friend Jamie and I used to be close. We stayed close even after she moved and married and had kids. But lately, I've realized that the friendship is getting pretty uneven.

She called me a few days ago, wanting to tell me about how her ex, who she still kept in touch with, was about to get a surprise. Turns out she had been using her daughters cellphone to pose as this guy's ex Alicia, and as Alicia, was wanting to meet him for sex. She'd been doing this for about a week when she called me to tell me she was going to tell him off.

For what? Wanting to meet up with an ex and get laid? Who gives a damn? She acted like this was some big deal and that she had a right to know what he was doing with his personal life. See, she had apparently asked him if he was texting anyone and interested in having sex with anyone and he said no. Like he would tell her. Then, when I pointed out that she was married and he was single and could do what the fuck he liked, she's like "Well he told me he loved me and I'm leaving heath and need him!"

I hate that nonsense. If you want to leave your husband, do it! Don't wait to move in with that guy.

Then, when I try to talk about the stuff going on in my life, she suddenly has to go do something, or go to sleep. Yea ok. Have fun.

I just wish I had someone to talk to.

Very annoyed.

So, I was looking at post on a livejournal community yesterday about what would you do if you discovered that your 4 month old baby was switched at birth and the child you were raising was not your child, but another family's child. Needless to say(but I'll say it anyway) I said I would want the child I gave birth to back. Now, this question was very similiar to a question asked in the same community months ago, and I was called cold for wanting to switch the back.

Not this time though. Strangely enough, I was in the majority. Most of the posters said they would want their babies back. And yet, at the same time, I remembered the last time being one of the few who would switch back. And being called cold and how I value biology over the bonding I had done with the other baby. What about the bonding I experienced with the child I carried inside me? Which they totally discounted as either meaningless or one sided.

That's what annoyed me, that they seemed to place no value(or very little) on the bonding a mother and child have from the womb.

Wow really? Nice!

So, I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but I attend church on Sundays. As a Christian, it's always been really important to me to be around others. Well, that and it helps me from being a complete shut in.

I was talking with my Sunday school teacher before the service started, and was telling her about the couple who were trying to pray for the mother to give up their twin girls. When I told her I had been taught that praying like that was a misuse of prayer, she defended it! I was taken aback to be honest. She said that the bible says we can pray for the desire of our hearts. I couldn't believe it.

Also, she informed me that I come across as very anti adoption on my facebook. I was like "Really, and here I thought I was being nice!" I explained that I am against pre birth matching and that's just the tip of the ice berg. We didn't have time to really talk about it. She is starting to get where I am coming from. She's one of those ones who say "But we are adopted into God's family." Yea, no that's not how that works.

When you are adopted into God's family, your whole history isn't taken away from you. Your birth certificate isn't altered and the original sealed away. It just bugs me when she uses that phrase to justify the lies. Because adoptees are lied to.