Feeling depressed as all hell.

I'm just feeling pretty down all of a sudden. I hate to admit it, but I miss Al. Even though he was a jerk, I miss him. Not to mention I'm sad because my brother seems to forget I exist.

Today in church.

My pastor was preaching a sermon, and once again, used that phrase I absolutely cannot stand. Adopted into God's family. Gee, I wonder if he would use the phrase so lightly if he had even an inkling of the issues, trauma and pain an adoptee can experience simply from being adopted? I'm guessing not.

I attempted to explain my objections to the term one time to my friend Leann, the pastor's sister. I don't have a good way of expressing myself when put on the stop, so I failed.

I don't like the term because we aren't ADOPTED into God's family. That would imply we are not one of God's children, and according to the bible, we are God's children from the get go. So in order to be adopted, that would me we at one point were not part of his family.

Even if we go with the"Well you have to be saved to be part of God's family" It still doesn't make sense. At least not to me. What did Christians call it before they used the term"Adopted into Gods family." Lets go with that shall we?

I don't know, I just hate that phrase because it's not accurate and it pisses me off.

Been a hell of a month.

So, in the course of the last month, I've lost a friend who I valued. Me and my friend Alfio's history is four years long. Closer to 5 actually now that I think of it. But I won't bore you with that. We were friends with benefits as they put it in the USA. Well, I cared more for him then he did for me, although he did lead me to believe he cared. Well, he ended up getting a girlfriend back in September. Then, in early October, he decided we couldn't be friends anymore due to some lies someone was telling about me.

I don't want drag this out so it's going to be brief because I'm still struggling with everything that happened. I had some stuff in a storage unit he had. I went to his apartment to retrieve it, or get the means to retrieve my stuff. At some point, he told his girlfriend I was there. They live together now, after 4 months of dating. So, she came down, freaked out on me, causing him to get angry and they went upstairs to his apartment. Wanting to give him my brother's number to contact about my stuff, I went up the stairs that led to the door of his apartment. She came rushing out the door, and pushed me down the stairs.

I'm ok, I had some bruises, but I'm more emotionally hurt then anything. I take things hard, and this is the only place I can really talk about it without fear of being ridiculed for feeling hurt. After the fall, I went back with my brother to his house. On the ride back, he was screaming at me about how I could have gotten him arrested and so on. It's been about three weeks since then, and I've not heard from Al. I thought he at least cared enough to see if i was ok. Guess not.

Oh MY GOD!

I got into a conversation with a friend via yahoo messenger a few days ago. During the conversation, I expressed my desire to have children. I jokingly said I better hurry the hell up or I wasn't going to be able to have my own. Due to age of course. That eventually led into talking about infertility.

I'll be honest, one of my fears is that I can't have children. I have no real reason for this, as my cycle's regular and all that. The only reason I've not had children is because I was with a man who didn't want any kids, and so I stayed on my birth control. Well, that relationship came to an end(badly, but that's another post entirely. So naturally, I mentioned getting off my birth control and letting my body go back to normal.

Ok, sorry back to the point. Adoption came up. She said "well you could always adopt an infant." Doing my best not to be abrasive, I messaged back" I want to breast feed". She then informed me" Adoptive mothers can breast feed, they just have to stimulate and there ya go."

UGH!! NO WAY would I ever put someone else's kid on my boob. I see no point in breast feeding if the milk was not produced naturally during pregnancy. It's just...not an idea I am comfortable with at all. I didn't even know people saw this as a viable option until recently, and the thought makes me go "Oh hell no."

Eventually, I was able to express my thoughts on the subject. I don't like the idea of it. If I don't have children naturally, I'll get a dog. If, in some alternative universe where I've lost my mind and adopted, I'd foster adopt. Hopefully the government gets it's act together and makes adoption obsolete by then, and has alternatives in place.

Good grief.

Just not had a whole lot to really talk about until today. A friend of mine on facebook is attempting to raise money for a surrogate to carry a baby for her. She has three frozen in a lab somewhere. She's currently in the stage IV of breast cancer, so carrying a baby herself is not possible at the momemt.

I feel for her, I really do. She's a good person and I feel for her. But I don't think she should be thinking of bringing a child into her family right now. She's battling cancer. The added stress could hurt her recovery to my thoughts.

Plus, the whole idea of trying to raise money to pay someone else to be an incubator is distasteful to me. I'm conflicted to be honest. I hope she gets better and is able to carry her own embryos.

Feeling better

After yesterday's rather ranty, feeling sorry for myself post. I still kind of feel that way, but it'll pass.

Just had too much going on

I've been feeling depressed and confused. Been trying to hide it, think it's working.

A part of it is the familiar feeling that I'm not worthy to have a life of my own. I've spent most of my 29 years taking care of others, and I am getting tired of it. I met a very nice guy a couple months ago, and we seemed to hit it off. I got pretty positive vibes, but once again, my fear of rejection is rearing it's head. Plus, I'm starting to doubt that I read the vibes right, that maybe he's not interested at all and was just nice to me because I was there.

I hate that I feel like this. I ended it with the FWB so that I would feel free to pursue something. Well, that and because I finally realized I deserve better. But what if I can't do better? What if I'm doomed to be alone? Also, I'm always attracted to men who are, for lack of a better term, out of my league. Benny is very much out of my league. Good looking, smart, a great, and sarcastic, sense of humor. He got his own place recently and is working two jobs to support himself.

I'm just feeling really down and convinced that nothing will come of this, because I am so afraid of being rejected and losing any confidence I have.