Adoption has just fallen to the wayside for me right now. I just don't have the enegrty sometimes to get into discussions or anything.

I feel bad that I never update.

But to be honest, sometimes I don't know what to say. At this point in my life, I feel kind of lost and very alone. The whole thing with Alfio left me shaken and sad. I don't know how to move on, or if I even want to. I find myself looking at the phone hoping that he might actualy call. I originally wanted him to call so I could have the pleasure of yelling at him and hanging up. Now, I just want to know he's ok. But I might never know that.

Four years is a long time. I hope eventually I can move on. Because at this moment, I'm not even close.

A New year

Here's to hoping it goes better then the last one!

Family adoption!

It was not better just because I was adopted by family! I was still lied too, still had my identity and truth withheld from me, still denied access to my own mother, father, and siblings. I was not told who my parents were until I was 13, how is that better!

Thank you, AAAFC, for making me feel like an outsider, even amongst my own people, a place I normally feel at home at. I just want to cry right now.

Feeling depressed as all hell.

I'm just feeling pretty down all of a sudden. I hate to admit it, but I miss Al. Even though he was a jerk, I miss him. Not to mention I'm sad because my brother seems to forget I exist.

Today in church.

My pastor was preaching a sermon, and once again, used that phrase I absolutely cannot stand. Adopted into God's family. Gee, I wonder if he would use the phrase so lightly if he had even an inkling of the issues, trauma and pain an adoptee can experience simply from being adopted? I'm guessing not.

I attempted to explain my objections to the term one time to my friend Leann, the pastor's sister. I don't have a good way of expressing myself when put on the stop, so I failed.

I don't like the term because we aren't ADOPTED into God's family. That would imply we are not one of God's children, and according to the bible, we are God's children from the get go. So in order to be adopted, that would me we at one point were not part of his family.

Even if we go with the"Well you have to be saved to be part of God's family" It still doesn't make sense. At least not to me. What did Christians call it before they used the term"Adopted into Gods family." Lets go with that shall we?

I don't know, I just hate that phrase because it's not accurate and it pisses me off.

Been a hell of a month.

So, in the course of the last month, I've lost a friend who I valued. Me and my friend Alfio's history is four years long. Closer to 5 actually now that I think of it. But I won't bore you with that. We were friends with benefits as they put it in the USA. Well, I cared more for him then he did for me, although he did lead me to believe he cared. Well, he ended up getting a girlfriend back in September. Then, in early October, he decided we couldn't be friends anymore due to some lies someone was telling about me.

I don't want drag this out so it's going to be brief because I'm still struggling with everything that happened. I had some stuff in a storage unit he had. I went to his apartment to retrieve it, or get the means to retrieve my stuff. At some point, he told his girlfriend I was there. They live together now, after 4 months of dating. So, she came down, freaked out on me, causing him to get angry and they went upstairs to his apartment. Wanting to give him my brother's number to contact about my stuff, I went up the stairs that led to the door of his apartment. She came rushing out the door, and pushed me down the stairs.

I'm ok, I had some bruises, but I'm more emotionally hurt then anything. I take things hard, and this is the only place I can really talk about it without fear of being ridiculed for feeling hurt. After the fall, I went back with my brother to his house. On the ride back, he was screaming at me about how I could have gotten him arrested and so on. It's been about three weeks since then, and I've not heard from Al. I thought he at least cared enough to see if i was ok. Guess not.